a saddening realization

Yesterday, as I dashed from a variety of spots in downtown Washington picking up research materials for my thesis, I found myself in the Visitor Information Center of the Ronald Reagan Building and International Trade Center (that neo-Neoclassical monstrosity) getting some materials put out by the DC Convention and Tourism Corporation. I walked around looking at the various crap sold there as well as the many brochures for "the sites." And it hit me, I am really going to miss D.C.--it's my city, dammit. No, I'm not one of those idiot suburbanites that tells others they are from Washington when they really live in some miserable suburb. Yes, I live in a miserable suburb and I fully admit that, because I'm highly conscious of the tensions between the city and the suburbs. But I was actually born in the city, and should I ever return to this area to live, it will be in the city. I spend a lot of time in Washington taking advantage of all the cultural activities. D.C. is unparalleled in the concentration and quality of free culture. Of course I find culture in things that perhaps most wouldn't label as such--everyday things like nondescript rowhouses in less fashionable parts of the city. So of course I can find my free culture anywhere, but still I'm going to miss the variety, easy access, and concentration of all levels. Yes, L.A. has many cultural institutions, but they're spread out and not free (remember, grad students are paupers). At the root of this is actually a realization that I will be leaving everything I know, and though I don't think I take it for granted, it's hitting me that I will be leaving behind a lot more than the people I am in constant contact with. This is somewhat ironic since I am so obsessed with the built environment, and yet I had never considered the sadness I might feel leaving this environment behind. (No regrets about the suburbs, I assure you.) But there's also some sort of connection I feel overall, that I cannot articulate, for this city. I hope I can load up on the D.C. stamp and take it with me across the country.