sex in hollywood should only be so glamorous

Okay, it's time for some textual analysis of what Allie and refer to lovingly as "the news." Keep in mind it is provided by a British news service, so yeah, it's a gossip rag.

In today's edition of The Bible's News:

Valderrama Spills Hollywood Sex Secrets
That '70s Show star Wilmer Valderrama spilled all regarding his Hollywood conquests during an appearance on shock jock Howard Stern's morning radio program yesterday. Among his revelations were that Lindsay Lohan was one of the best girl's he's ever had slept with, Ashlee Simpson was loud in bed and he rated Jennifer Love Hewitt an "eight" out of ten when it came to sex. The actor talked about his sexual prowess in detail, claiming that he has been with two women at once and also engaged in anal sex with a famous actress, who he refused to name. The star discussed dating singer/actress Mandy Moore, whom he met when she guest starred on his hit show, saying they were each other's "first loves." Valderrama claims he is "blessed" when it comes to penis size, clocking in at "slightly bigger" than eight inches. He also revealed that he has videotaped his sexual escapades on numerous occasions, but erased the tapes to keep them from being linked on the internet.

Streisand's "Sexual Conquests" Revealed in New Biography
A new biography of Barbra Streisand alleges the superstar's list of lovers includes Diana, Princess Of Wales' former husband Prince Charles and her lover Dodi Fayed. Barbra: The Way She Is by Christopher Anderson claims Streisand is "cheap," has a "Maria Callas-sized ego," is prone to huge tantrums and has a star-studded list of former conquests. Warren Beatty, Ryan O'Neal, Steve McQueen, Kris Kristofferson, Don Johnson, Jon Voight, Elliott Gould, Andre Agassi, Richard Gere, Omar Sharif, Liam Neeson and Peter Jennings are just some of the men linked with her. Anderson also alleges Streisand, 63, was banned from the White House during Bill Clinton's presidency by his wife Hillary after the former First Lady discovered the actress had stayed overnight while she was away, the New York Post reports. Barbra: The Way She Is will hit stores on March 28.

Okay, first let's ignore the typos. But isn't the double-standard alive and well? Valderrama is praised for bragging about not only the hot celebrities he's fucked but also his supposedly big dick (someone get me a photo of the man's hands!). But yet he's modest enough not to tell anyone which famous celebrity he's fucked up the ass--not because it's a poor reflection on him (hello, look at the way it's reported) but probably because he knows it will disgrace her as slutier than slut. It's okay to name those other girls as sexual conquests (and rate them) because we already think they're sluts. But sodomy we can't handle. Hey, guess what, it's actually legal where as oral sex is technically on the books of a lot of states.

On the other hand, look at the depiction of poor Babs (I can't bring myself to type Barbara in that corrupt manner...I may hate my middle name, but I, at least, know how to spell it). First it starts out with her competing for dick with Lady Di, then describes her as the biggest bitch in the world, followed by a big list of men she's had, because now she's just an old slut. Unbelievable. But you have to call into question the accuracy of this stuff when Elliot Gould--her former husband--is buried in the list. I think we assumed they had a little sex since they have a son.