on the unspeakable of sexual politics

Last night I decided to check ABC's free streaming archive for something to watch. I settled on the two episodes of Notes From the Underbelly. Ordinarily I wouldn't be drawn into a show about pregnancy. Come on, as if this damn society doesn't cater enough to the worship of children, I need to see it on TV (or my computer). But the pilot got me because the guy (quite cute and young looking, and actually he's playing a character older than he) was the one begging the wife for a kid. How often do you see that? I'm sure it happens quite a lot in reality, but pop culture would have you think that the only way we multiply society is by women trapping men into having children (and maybe or maybe not sticking around to raise them). Overall, the show is amusing enough that I'll stream another episode eventually, but I'm not so in love with it that I feel the need to watch it.

There is something that really bugged me. The sexual politics of the show are whacked (big shock, I know). In the second episode, one of the main themes is that the couple hasn't had sex in 25 days (their longest dry spell) because she is constantly nauseous. In typical sit-com setup, you think that might change when he comes home to a house romantically set up with rose petals, candles, and soft lighting. He's so excited! Then his wife tells him she's out the door and he can take care of business on his own. She set the romantic mood so he could jerk off. But of course she can't even utter the works "jerk off" or "masturbate" (FCC's doing maybe?) but has to resort to some nonspecific euphemism. In the process she tells us that this isn't something they ordinarily talk about, because there's no reason to since their sex life is usually so great. Uh-huh. (This scene works quite well with an essay I read yesterday by Samuel Delaney called "On the Unspeakable.")

Where do I begin? First, this reinforces the notion that sex should be paired with romance. You want romance, fine, but there is really nothing inherently romantic about swapping sexual fluid. Society tells us it should be this way to keep us in line. If you think sex is romance then you're less inclined to have nonromantic sex or godforbid sex with strangers (worse yet:) in a setting that isn't a bedroom. Next, this places masturbation in a less than positive position in the sexual network. You should only masturbate when your partner has shut you out for a month and then gives you permission. I guarantee in the real world that man had masturbated each of those 25 days, because he regularly masturbates even when they're having sex! Masturbation shouldn't be interpreted as some sort of dirty secret that gets the job done when your partner's libido doesn't match your own. Society would crumble if we admitted it was a positive experience of exploration whether you have a sexual partner or not. This leads me to my final point about the lack of communication about self-pleasure between a married couple. How fucking sad, really. The shame people must feel to discuss what does or doesn't turn them on to never speak about something as banal as masturbation. Great sex life, huh? (Pair this with The OH in Ohio, which equated masturbation with adultery for a really morally-warped time.)

And then there are people who feel as though they can't share certain desires with the people they love, but yet will do it with those they have less invested in. I can see why this is in such a world, but that doesn't mean I think it's a healthy way to be. The show didn't address this, of course. There's nothing shameful about desire. I won't say there's nothing shameful about some actions, however. But as long as it's between/among consenting adults and abides by the golden rule, I say go for it. (That means I don't condone cheating nor prescribe monogamy, either.)