what to do while avoiding writing fellowship applications

1. Watch movies you wouldn't pay to rent via Netflix's watch now feature.
2. Watch movies you used to own on VHS via Netflix's watch now feature.
3. Constantly check all email accounts and news feeds. Notice how almost nothing changes over the course of a day.
4. Comb through OkCupid and never find what you're looking for.
5. Watch PBS cooking, nature, history, and science programs you've probably seen before.

What the hell is wrong with me? Does any of that really sound that exciting to anyone? None of what I just listed even sounds interesting to me, and I'm the one doing it day after day instead of writing. What the hell is wrong with me? And why do I hate to write (productive things) so damn much?

It's as if I've worked my whole life to get to the point where I get paid to research, write, learn, and teach about what really interests me, and now that I'm there, I don't want to do it. That's exactly what it is. This is highly problematic since I'm supposed to do this for the rest of my life.

People bitch and moan about how horrible school is, especially that it's too restrictive and crushes creativity. I've been in school my whole life. I've thrived in it...until I burned out I guess. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be to transition from class-taker to dissertation-writer. Grad school doesn't really prepare you for some of the hardest things you have to do. And I still can't manage unstructured time effectively (that's an understatement).

What's even more ridiculous is that I'm really excited about my dissertation topic. But it's also very scary to be left to your own devices with such a big project. I've written theses before, but this is much bigger and much more important. This project is going to define my professional life for at least ten years. It's a lot of pressure, but I need to suck it up and just get on with it already.