sex in hollywood should only be so glamorous

Okay, it's time for some textual analysis of what Allie and refer to lovingly as "the news." Keep in mind it is provided by a British news service, so yeah, it's a gossip rag.

In today's edition of The Bible's News:

Valderrama Spills Hollywood Sex Secrets
That '70s Show star Wilmer Valderrama spilled all regarding his Hollywood conquests during an appearance on shock jock Howard Stern's morning radio program yesterday. Among his revelations were that Lindsay Lohan was one of the best girl's he's ever had slept with, Ashlee Simpson was loud in bed and he rated Jennifer Love Hewitt an "eight" out of ten when it came to sex. The actor talked about his sexual prowess in detail, claiming that he has been with two women at once and also engaged in anal sex with a famous actress, who he refused to name. The star discussed dating singer/actress Mandy Moore, whom he met when she guest starred on his hit show, saying they were each other's "first loves." Valderrama claims he is "blessed" when it comes to penis size, clocking in at "slightly bigger" than eight inches. He also revealed that he has videotaped his sexual escapades on numerous occasions, but erased the tapes to keep them from being linked on the internet.

Streisand's "Sexual Conquests" Revealed in New Biography
A new biography of Barbra Streisand alleges the superstar's list of lovers includes Diana, Princess Of Wales' former husband Prince Charles and her lover Dodi Fayed. Barbra: The Way She Is by Christopher Anderson claims Streisand is "cheap," has a "Maria Callas-sized ego," is prone to huge tantrums and has a star-studded list of former conquests. Warren Beatty, Ryan O'Neal, Steve McQueen, Kris Kristofferson, Don Johnson, Jon Voight, Elliott Gould, Andre Agassi, Richard Gere, Omar Sharif, Liam Neeson and Peter Jennings are just some of the men linked with her. Anderson also alleges Streisand, 63, was banned from the White House during Bill Clinton's presidency by his wife Hillary after the former First Lady discovered the actress had stayed overnight while she was away, the New York Post reports. Barbra: The Way She Is will hit stores on March 28.

Okay, first let's ignore the typos. But isn't the double-standard alive and well? Valderrama is praised for bragging about not only the hot celebrities he's fucked but also his supposedly big dick (someone get me a photo of the man's hands!). But yet he's modest enough not to tell anyone which famous celebrity he's fucked up the ass--not because it's a poor reflection on him (hello, look at the way it's reported) but probably because he knows it will disgrace her as slutier than slut. It's okay to name those other girls as sexual conquests (and rate them) because we already think they're sluts. But sodomy we can't handle. Hey, guess what, it's actually legal where as oral sex is technically on the books of a lot of states.

On the other hand, look at the depiction of poor Babs (I can't bring myself to type Barbara in that corrupt manner...I may hate my middle name, but I, at least, know how to spell it). First it starts out with her competing for dick with Lady Di, then describes her as the biggest bitch in the world, followed by a big list of men she's had, because now she's just an old slut. Unbelievable. But you have to call into question the accuracy of this stuff when Elliot Gould--her former husband--is buried in the list. I think we assumed they had a little sex since they have a son.

90210 DVDs (that's a lot of DVDs)

I'm not the only one that fondly remembers Beverly Hills, 90210. On today's hit list on IMDB there was a link to a Time article on the status of some of the show's alums and their current work. But there was also a link at the bottom (advertising of course) to the complete 90210 series on DVD. I got excited and rushed over to Netflix to queue it up. But I was disappointed to only find the pilot available and that the first season has an unknown release date. It's been like that for years. So I mosied on over to those links, which are in fact, selling you a massive collection of DVD-Rs.

Fox, are you so blinded by your American Idol fortune that you don't realize there is huge money to be made from 90210 DVDs? Or is this Murdoch's effort to keep highly sexed teens in the vault? I mean, really, you didn't seem to think too highly of Arrested Development, but at least that's available on DVD.

iBuzz, you buzz, we all buzz for...

I almost don't believe this. It's like something purely designed for me to blog about.

Remember way back when when I discovered the custom condoms available at Condomania.com? I decided to sign up for their email list to find out first about things they offer. Boy am I glad I did.

They now have in stock the iBuzz, an iPod accessory (it works with all MP3 players, or so they claim) with a little more sex appeal than your car adapter. It is a vibrator. It comes with a control, a bullet for women, a cockring for men, batteries, and even a Y-adapter so you can still use your headphones. Wow.

Apparently it debuted in the UK first. Sounds about right that the one European culture notorious for its sexual repression would invent (did it?) this.

All I have to say is: and I asked for an ice cream maker for my birthday? One, I might add, I can't even fucking use now that my freezer is so tiny.

i can't deny it, it's true*

You Should Be a Joke Writer

You're totally hilarious, and you can find the humor in any situation. Whether you're spouting off zingers, comebacks, or jokes about life... You usually can keep a crowd laughing, and you have plenty of material. You have the makings of a great comedian - or comedic writer.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

* Allie thinks I should check into the "are you modest?" quiz.

crash into this

Well, I did it. I finally saw Crash. What a steaming turd that one is. I can't believe someone wanted to finance it. Though, I must say it was funny as hell. Naturally, I was laughing at them (characters and filmmakers) rather than with them.

Shitty movies are known to win for best picture, so that doesn't really baffle me after seeing it (it's all about politics...some misguided guilt in white Hollywood?). But how does such a thing win for best screenplay? There is no story! I want to hear a story of how this actually challenged someone about his/her prejudices. Maybe I'm too cosmopolitan, too open minded, too educated, but I saw right through the one dimensional nature of the whole thing.

phantom power modules

Yesterday I had to print out a pass to a free screening of Find Me Guilty.* I thought that might be the opportune time to officially set up my desk and stop typing in awkward positions on my bed. But the whole project was derailed when I was convinced I was missing the crucial power module (AC adapter) to my printer. So I contacted Anna to have her search her car, where the printer and other power cables were transported during the move. I was convinced it had to be in the car because I couldn't find it in any of the bags of stuff (I know it wasn't packed in a box). This morning she told me that she searched, consulted Mark who had cleaned out the car recently, and still couldn't find it. Shit, I need to find a replacement because I really need the printer now!

So I do some searching on HP's website but I can't find any parts for my printer, which is long discontinued. I even google to see if other online retailers have this power module for my model. I call up HP parts asking for it and she can't find a part number for me either. I'm doomed. She puts me on hold to consult with another department to get the part number. When she returns she tells me there is no power module for that printer, only a power cord.

Yes, all along, I was fine with the power cord that I did have. If I had tested it, rather than relying on some old memory (probably of my previous printer) of a power module I could have saved some worrying. I feel like a prize idiot, but it's a good story and a laugh.


* "Funnier than The Libertine" despite starting off with a fart joke. It was very entertaining, touching, and Vin Diesel can actually act. Good pace. Worth a see.

how pure is your air?

For the last week and a half I've had two small plug-in air purifiers running full blast in my new apartment in order to get rid of the stale smoke stench the previous tenant left behind (they worked very quickly). I've kept them going fearing it would come back (is that even realistic?), plus I don't like the smell of the public parts of the building which seems to seep through into my foyer (for some reason that isn't getting sucked out and so I leave them running hoping it will eventually happen...probably silly). Anyway, point is that about a week ago my throat started to hurt again--was the strep throat back? I thought I was getting sick, but it never materialized into anything beyond a sore throat, mildly swollen glands, and phelm. I concluded it must be allergies even though I take a daily allergy pill. Then I start freaking out that I'm allergic to my apartment because that will be miserable. It doesn't seem to be mold because my sinuses are fine. But then it occurs to me that maybe the air purifiers are sucking good things out of the air (moisture?). I turned them off before I went to sleep and woke up with an improved throat.

Moral of the tale: there is such a thing as too pure air. And $20 air purifiers work. Who needs Ionic Breeze?

would you like fries with your crucifixion?

On Saturday I spent some time in the Glendale Forest Lawn cemetery. I kept seeing a sign for the "Last Supper Window," but never did find it. What could it be? A concession stand catered by In-N-Out Burger? Though what do they serve now, during Lent?

monopolies will eat your sanity

I don't ever want to hear how inefficient, ridiculous, and uninformed the federal government bureaucracy is until someone fucking straightens out AT&T/SBC. In my experience working with the federal government, it's been nothing but appropriate (I even got my tax return this year very quickly). Maybe because I'm the daughter of a (former) career civil servant, but I don't think the bureaucracy is as user unfriendly as everyone else wants you to believe (hear that you public administration bores?). On the other hand, AT&T/SBC is the worst beast to have to deal with. And it makes sense, monopolies have no one pushing them to serve their customers better. They are nothing but a sea of misinformation waiting to hook you and frustrate you. I hated them many months ago when I first set up my phone/DSL service because they didn't tell me I had to bundle a bunch of stuff I don't want or need in order to get a cheap rate for the DSL (hell, I don't even want the phone!) which resulted in doubling the time it took to setup my lifeline. Then when it came time to move recently, I was told it was going to take more than week to reinstate my DSL at my new address. I called a few days in to try and get it pushed up--yes, it could be done tomorrow, I was told. And it finally worked after spending 1.5 hours on the phone just to get someone with authority to change a stupid date in the computer system (things were physically in line before I even called to push up the service date). Today, I was solicited to upgrade my DSL to the faster service for an additional $5/month. That sounds like a good deal, but honestly, I don't want to pay another $5/month for anything--especially to this monopolistic juggernaut. But then I was told that I could drop my bundle and still get the faster service for $19.99. That would be a savings. But I have to call another number to drop the bundle (when they don't offer to help you directly with something that is a red flag--I've just, literally, now figured that out). So I call that number and the woman tells me that in order to get the DSL Pro at that price, I have to keep the bundle as far as she knows. She transfers me to a DSL sales person (the friendly Marlene) who confirms and makes sure that 1) I'm not going to get the upgraded service with the overall higher bill 2) I've got the cheapest and best options for my use.

What's the moral of the tale? Don't pick up the phone when you're sure it's a fucking telemarketer! Why does it take so long for the "do not call list" to be effective?

plastic (surgery) below the belt

We've all heard of penis envy and the lengths to which men will go to claim a bigger, better penis. Now, apparently, there's a growing trend of women with vulva envy. Okay, it's not limited to the vulva, but that sounds better than "female genital envy." Basically women are paying insane amounts of money to alter their private parts for aesthetics (mainly based on porn stars). Some claim it's for sexual enhancement, but I find that hard to believe: inserting a new hymen, tightening the vaginal opening, or nipping and tucking fleshy parts don't enhance your own physical pleasure (maybe your partner's?). I'd think they'd run quite counter to it. Naturally this criticism is coming from a young, perky girl with no complaints. But really, do you want to take a knife to your most sensitive parts and pray the doctor doesn't fuck you for life?

would U tell me something new for once?

Why is there a rash of articles on U Street these days that provide no real information? (The above is an example.) Every few weeks there seems to be some token thing about this is what U Street was (of course, using that ridiculously simplistic narrative I debunk in my M.A. thesis) and this is what is happening now. What is the point really? They all bleed into one another and don't seem to call for anything. Who doesn't know that U Street is one of the hottest and fastest-gentrifying neighborhoods in D.C.?! Such old news really.

But, ironically, I actually learned something I didn't know from that article. Warren Brown, creator of CakeLove and LoveCafe, has a show on Food Network! I don't believe it. It's called Sugar Rush. I've never met him, but I've had his overpriced cupcakes. They're either $3 or $3.50, but they're also small. You pay the same price at Auntie Em's in Eagle Rock out here, but hers are probably twice the size.

the internet is shit?

I think it's pretty evident, especially from recent rumblings, that I can't live without the internet. But at the same time, I think a lot of what is reflected in my observations here as well as people who actually know me in physicality (let's not go so far as to call it or anything else "reality") that I can't live with just the internet. The internet is a tool, a catalyst, and yes, a dependency. Some of this is self-induced, some of it isn't (I can't help that USC pushes everything in the digital direction and mandates highspeed internet for research, for example). Point is that I am sympathetic to the view of the website above despite my addiction. I think perhaps the website's vantage point and message are too simplistic, however.

some unbelievable news...

My much talked about mobile is now hanging in my new apartment! I noticed there was a hook anchored to the cottage-cheese ceiling, and miraculously I was able to reach using my trusty step stool.

It's about fucking time.

wednesday woes

Yesterday was a long day. Wednesday is always long since I have an early class and then an afternoon one. But I also won free tickets to a screening of Thank You For Smoking in Century City, which is like the other side of the moon. Since I was going to schlep out there I decided that I HAD to go to a Persian restaurant that I have been dying to go to on Westwood Blvd. It was one longass drive from San Marino to Westwood and due to construction on Santa Monica Blvd. I got a little lost. But I did make it and it was worth it. Shaherzad is apparently the only Persian restaurant in L.A. that has the bread baked fresh on location in a tandoor. That seems ridiculous to me since it is readily available at Moby Dick (a D.C. area chain) which is closer to fast food than fine dining. AND this is the city with the largest Iranian population in the United States.

Thank You For Smoking was hilarious as any biting satire should be. And yes, the infamous sex scene that was "accidentally" deleted for its Sundance premiere was there. It's really not that racy and it looks very fake (no surprise since Katie Holmes can't act to save her life). It had a very Election feel to me, partly because the music seemed very similar (Rolfe Kent did both scores).

While I've got sex on the brain I should also mention that I met the hottest historian you could possibly imagine yesterday. I'm not going to give his name, his book title, or his institution, because god forbid he googles himself and stumbles upon this. He's married anyway. But, man, seriously, exactly my type and someone who actually gets what I do! I'm just doomed to never find that.

Can you tell that not having internet at home makes me feel more lonely than usual? How disgusting is that, really, when you think about it. I base my sense of comfort around a virtual world. Now, to be fair, part of the reason is that most of the people I know and love live on the other side of the country. But really, why can't I be the girl that just goes out, meets people, and things actually work or translate into more than a one-time meeting?

bachelor(ette) living

Well, I've moved into my very own apartment. Of course I'm typing this from a library since I won't have internet set up for more than a week. Do you remember how I coped with this last time? I already have visions of me going insane, locked away in my room by myself ala Renton in Trainspotting. I am typically hooked into the internet via IV. Withdrawal is a bitch.

You'd think this would mean I'm more likely to unpack quickly or something, but I don't know about that. I will have to go digging for school-related materials soon enough, but the idea of unpacking is a whole other anxiety-inducing experience. I really don't have that much stuff, but it seems like a lot sitting as a heap in my one-room flat. Allie gave me the brilliant idea of just throwing stuff in trash bags since I was moving a mere 2.5 blocks west. The whole moving process was much quicker than I would have imagined. Anna and Mark were lifesavers!

are you part of the scene?

Last night, Anna, Mark, and I went to a show at The Scene in Glendale. I hadn't been to a concert in a month so it was nice to get back in the groove, take my mind off things. I really wanted to see The World Record (their LP forthcoming from Tallboy Records) and it had been awhile since I saw The Brokedown. The Brokedown just put up a new song ("On the Bubble") and it's catchy as hell. I really dug their set last night. In the past, I have found them (live) far too twangy for my taste, but last night was almost completely sans twang, which will encourage me to see them live more often. Even if I think both Brian and Dan are insufferably rude. They will completely ignore my immediate presence while they enthusiastically approach Anna. She says it's shyness, but come on, I'm not looking for even a hello, just an acknowledgement that you walked past another person. One person's shyness is another person's rudeness. How do they expect to promote themselves with those social skills? Ross, on the other hand, is very polite, especially in his indie rock uniform.

We perched ourselves at one end of the bar near the door. Anna and I had been sitting together for quite awhile when the bartender comes over to me and tells me the guy at the end of the bar would like to buy me a drink. Of course I wasn't cool about it. This sort of thing had never happened and I didn't even know what to do. So Anna told me to get a drink and go over there and talk to him--that he'd make the conversation. I complied. Well, he was already drunk, possibly high, and had trouble understanding everything I said. He was easily pushing 40, heavily tattooed, and from Argentina. The conversation was slow to get off the ground. He didn't actually expect me to come over, I later learned (he claimed that was the El Lay way). I tried to mouth for help, but to no avail. Soon after The World Record finished, I told him that we were going and thanked him again for the beer. He didn't ask for my number, thank god, because I wasn't going to give it to him. I don't play those sorts of games. I knew I wasn't interested in a matter of minutes.

But of course that was not all to the night. Anna and I started the evening by taking a series of photos in the photobooth. I think they're really cute and wait for her to scan them! I won't hold my breath, though, since she's never given me any of the photos she's taken of me in all these months...

an update before the stuff you want to read

You may have noticed that it's been a long time since I've blogged. That's certainly not for a lack of action. Things have been really rough. It's just one thing after another. I got horribly sick and was given notice to leave my apartment. I've been frantically trying to find a new place because I want out ASAP, even if I still have through the end of the month. I've found a place and will soon go to see about sealing the deal. I'm thrilled to be living completely by myself for the first time in my life. It's something I need to do. But the thought of packing (which requires a lot of clean up of my room) is now the new burden. It's lighter, but we all know I'm not the organizing type.

Eh, I was going to make this a boilerplate blog, but let's not and say we did...